I don’t really feel like picking up where I left off last time so I’m going to continue from where I feel like starting from.
What I do know, is that somewhere a long the way I knew that despite all the fucked up shit I have endured and been through, it was up to me to change. No one was going to come save me, even though I secretly thought that. Hoped for that even.
When I made the choice to get sober at 27 years old, that’s when it was truly time to face everything. I had to go through detox first, and deal with the consequences of my second DUI within 7 years, but ultimately I knew that changes needed to be made.
I will never forget, after the jail released me back home after getting that second DUI, I went to my boyfriend’s house (now my husband) and went straight to the freezer, where my beloved handle of tequila waited for me.
Yes I said handle, I drank near a gallon a day of tequila.
I went straight to that freezer and dumped that son of a bitch right now the drain. My boyfriend was like “what are you doing?” and I said “I’m fucking done”.
Three words that changed the course of my life.
Somewhere along the way of my early recovery I started to understand the depths of my trauma. See, when you stop using substances to cope with your feelings, you start to feel your feelings, and they aren’t fucking special sometimes.
Man, I had such gnarly nightmares and flashbacks of people taking advantage of my body. I had flashbacks of being abused and used. It made it hard to even have sex with my boyfriend. It made it hard to be around people sometimes because of my crippling anxiety.
It made sense why I drank. It made sense why I was an alcoholic.
I straight up coped with my trauma with alcohol. And somewhere along the way I became chemically dependent on the stuff.
But feeling my feelings was new territory for me and something I had to learn to do. I’m still learning to navigate my feelings. I still want to lash out in rage and anger. I still want to isolate and be impulsive. I still want to fight everyone who hurts me.
Do I act on these impulses anymore? No, but that doesn’t erase the fact that they are still very much a part of my life. Maybe they will never leave me. Maybe they will stay part of my shadow forever, but be stagnant.
But still learning nonetheless.
I can never pinpoint exact life changing moments in my life aside from like two: getting sober and the birth of my children, but what I do know is that you do wake up one day and things are different.
Small changes every day lead up to that day when you wake up and look around and think “wow, things are different in a good way”. And it will be like a random ass Tuesday haha.
But it’s true! Small efforts lay the foundation for something greater and often unseen.
Those small efforts become the “somethings along the way” that are forever etched into your story.
Words, from my heart. 