Ahhh the infamous “they” is in the title of this blog today…
No but really, here’s something they don’t tell you, or rather, no one seems to really be talking about. And it has to do with being a mom that is trying to heal.
I’ve done some hard ass shit in my life. I joined the ARMY at 19 years old, I got sober at 27 years old, I gave birth all a fucking lone for my second birth due to covid PrOtoColS. I’ve survived being homeless a few times and I have survived all the nasty ass men who have taken advantage of me.
But trying to be a mom when you’re fucking hurting inside is the hardest shit.
What makes this so hard??
It’s on days like today when your head is screaming and you have a million intrusive thoughts that are just trying to rip you away from everything and everyone and all the while you have two, beautiful, angelic children who are just being children and you can hardly focus.
Ever heard of mom guilt?? Yeah let’s sprinkle a million tons of that onto days like this when it feels mentally impossible to stay present with your kids because all you can seem to do is TRY to focus on not ripping your own brain out.
Let’s add in them screaming and fighting with one another and now you have to go and mediate and referee. Oh now you have a crisis to go attend to. 8,000,000 times in one hour.
Let’s not forget having to cook, and engage, and “try” to put on your best face. Trying to process a million things all at once and you’re just in a shit ass mood. But it doesn’t matter because you have to suck it up and put your own shit aside to give the kiddos what they deserve NO MATTER WHAT.
See I put “try” in parenthesis because some people, like my own mother, didn’t give two flying fucks and just lashed out at all of us when she was having a bad mental health day.
Every day.
She didn’t give two fucks about yelling and screaming and hitting and doing whatever else the fuck she wanted to do to us to make it our fault she was suffering.
I don’t want to be like that. I wont. I fucking refuse.
So I do my best to present positive and okay to my girls and then do coping skills on the side to try and help. Sometimes that’s crying in the bathroom. Sometimes that is telling my kids “mommy is overwhelmed” (not like they can process that, but maybe one day). Sometimes that’s taking so many deep breaths I feel like I’m using all of Earth’s oxygen.
Some days it’s me going numb and barely being able to function. I’ve had to ask my husband to come before on days like that. When my mental health was so fucked that I knew I couldn’t even FAKE being what my children deserved.
This is why my constant healing is of utmost importance to me. This is why my sobriety is of utmost importance to me. I cannot and will not lose control of my mental health and project my trauma onto my beautiful children.
I will not repeat the cycle.
They deserve so much fucking goodness and love and I’ll be damned if I’m ever a reason for their suffering or trauma.
Hell no, not fucking me.
Or their daddy for that matter.
So I continue to heal and process out loud. I continue to practice gratitude and acceptance and all the other things I have learned along the way of healing.
But that’s what they don’t tell you. That trying to heal when you’re a mom is triggering as fuck. It’s hard and exhausting and overwhelming.
But I’ll tell you what. Not once have I ever felt bad or guilty that I cried in the bathroom instead of yelling at my kids. Not once have I felt bad or guilty for walking outside to take some deep breaths over hitting my kids.
We have actually never hit or spanked our kids. We agreed as parents that that is not what we want to do for discipline. No shame on any parent who does, we just didn’t want that.
I will continue to do what I need to do to heal while also being the best mom I can be because I absolutely will not accept anything less than healthy behaviors for my kids to see.
If you’re out there as a father reading this, this applies to you too. I’m writing it from a mother’s perspective, but I’m not shy to the fact that MANY MANY men out there are dealing with the same shit but from a completely different perspective and I have mad respect for you.
I have mad respect for anyone who chooses to heal over projecting their trauma on their kids.
Our kids deserve it.
Words, from my heart. 