One of the many things I have worked on since getting sober is my need to control things. And I don’t mean control things from a possessive standpoint, it more so comes from a need to be in control, make the decisions, and make sure things are done to MY standards.
I have realized that this is do to my chaotic ass childhood that was filled with abuse, uncertainties, and lots of changes that weren’t wanted.
This drove me to develop a need to control the environment around me so I can feel comfortable and safe.
Out of control as a child = Need to be in control as an adult.
My want to control can stem from my perfectionism in many things that I do (lifting, eating, cleaning, school, etc) all the way to wanting to know exactly who is going to be at certain parties so I can plan ahead if I want to go.
It would be impossible to sit here and try and name all that I feel the want to control, but the want is there nonetheless.
See, the times that I ease back a little, I feel scared at first and then quickly realize I’m actually o-fucking-kay and I can stop catastrophizing. For example, easing back on being meticulous on my diet. I was scared at first–and almost didn’t–but decided to do it anyways.
I feel so much better about my relationship with food now that I have eased back on some control over it.
Another example, I have leaned on my husband more to submit homework for our daughter and leaned on him to organize school assignments for the week. Not only is he fully capable but it SERIOUSLY helps my tasks list.
Letting go of control on more and more things in my life is actually teaching me self confidence and how to trust more.
Along with the want to control that was developed due to my childhood, I also developed a want to do everything MYSELF. That whole “I can do it myself” mentality is something that has stuck with me.
I don’t necessarily think this is a bad mentality. I feel like it can be a useful tool to get some serious shit done and be productive. But this mindset can be a problem when you actually DO need help, or when help could really fucking help you LOL.
So these tie in together, letting go of control and letting go of needing to do everything by myself.
It all just starts with one small scenario at a time to slowly build trust and confidence. I feel like I’m getting there and that feels good 🙂
Words, from my heart. 