It’s 5:49 pm and I sit here on my bed next to my catahoula (that’s a dog breed) Rosalie to write my first ever blog post. My two kiddos are playing peacefully in the living room and I decided to now take the opportunity to write this out.
I’ve been thinking about where to even start this thing and I feel it is best to just start where I am at and sprinkle in the old stuff as I go. So here we gooooo….
Please…no drumroll.
I feel like right now I am standing on the cusp of some big change that I can’t quite pin point. I started a healing journey, yeah very cliche I know, about 8 months ago. I started this healing journey because I was starting to recognize myself behaving and acting un-healthily (is that a word?) and I didn’t like it. I was starting to react towards my husband and people around me in ways that were not fun, all due to me not coping well with things that were out of my control. I realized that I didn’t want to be that person, so I chose to face my demons, my shadow, my fears, whatever you want to call it or them?
Since then, things have been changing for me. I’ve been making decisions that ultimately make ME feel good instead of trying to make decisions to please others. Up and coming retired people pleaser here! Can I get an amen?!
No, but seriously. I’ve been a people pleaser my whole life because I was “loved” conditionally as a child. I put loved in quotations because I don’t feel like I was loved, but according to some toxic members of my family “it could have been worse–I could have been put up for adoption!”. I digress. Love came if and only if I did or acted in a way that the adults in my life EXPECTED me to. If I wasn’t their perfect little angel, then I wasn’t loveable and I was punished, which we won’t get into now.
So ultimately, saying no to things or people can be really hard for me, almost panic inducing. Because for so long, I equated doing what others wanted of me to being loveable.
It’s one of the hardest thinking patterns to break.
I struggle telling people no and I struggle asking people for help because, even though these tasks are sorta on the opposite end of things, they require another person to make ME feel a certain way.
See, people pleasing isn’t about making someone else feel good, it’s about making YOURSELF feel comfortable. It’s easier to do or say what someone asks or tells you than it is to say no and face rejection, judgement, or name calling, or retaliation (even if sometimes this is perceived). I don’t do shit because someone asked me, I do it because I’m more afraid to say no than I am of hurting myself by saying yes. Is that too confusing? Here let me try again.
Let’s say my toxic parent calls me drunk, which is quite often. Old me: would answer the phone, despise the entire conversation, get ridiculed and name called, then eventually hang up to go cry alone in the bathroom. All because I couldn’t just say NO to answering the call. Because if I didn’t answer I would get a nasty text telling me what a horrible daughter I am for “nOt BeInG ThEre”.
New me: sees parent calling, doesn’t answer. Gets a little panicky, because well, anxiety of people pleasing my whole life, but doesn’t go to the bathroom crying after the phone stops ringing! I mean it’s almost like MAGIC.
When you people please you hurt yourself by saying yes when you really want to say no. Sure, sometimes you may really want to please someone and do something for them out of kindness and love. But if your whole entire being is screaming NO and your brain is screaming NO and your soul is screaming NO, it’s a clear fucking sign it should be NOOOOOO.
How did we get on the topic of people pleasing? That was completely off track from where I wanted to go tonight, but here we are.
Might as well roll with it now. Fingers be flyin over this keyboard.
Ahh that’s right, I was talking about how I’m making decisions for ME now. Doing and UN-DOING things that I feel no longer serve me or feel right for me. Even if I have been doing them my whole life. Even if I really fucking enjoyed them at one point and considered it a whole part of my identity. If I don’t feel like I want it in my life, I am removing it.
And feeling free as fuck about it.
Which leads me to these big decisions I need to make in the very near future.
And you can bet your sweet (or salty) ass that I will be sharing them here. On this far corner of the world, with anyone who cares to read.
And if that “anyone” is ever only me just writing to myself, well I feel confident that I can look back one day and find growth in my story.
Words, from my heart. 